Walking Through The Valley

Candles And Trials And Fires And Flame

By sglidden · (12)

“When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2

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I love candles. I usually have one going all the time in my house. The other day as I lit my candle I thought “A candle only lets off light when it is being consumed.”

I have a son who loves facts and learning how things work, so it’s become a habit of mine to figure out how things work too so I can share it with him. A candle is pretty neat.

The wick is soft and pliable and absorbent. In order for it to burn properly, it has to be able to be molded and absorb the wax. Once lit, the wax pushes upward into the wick. The wax actually protects the wick from burning up completely because it cools it as it burns.

How like us. We must be soft and pliable for God, being able to be shaped and molded into the things He wants us to become. We must absorb his love and grace and mercy and goodness into our own selves so that when we become consumed by trials we can shine the light of His love. And like the wick that is letting off light, being consumed, the love of God protects us from burning up because like the wax to a candle, He pours into us to keep us burning brightly.

When we live our life dipped in God’s love, the trials will still come. But we can rest in the assurance that we will always be protected from being consumed. And when we let His love and truth surround us, when the flame burns as we know it will, we can be sure it is letting off His light.

Some candles burn longer than others, just like some trials. But no matter the size, they all work the same way. No matter the trial, how big or small, God is still working the same way. We must remember that.

A candle that just sits there does little good. It can be tempting to get a pretty candle just to display for show. But candles aren’t meant for show, They are meant to be used. And only when they are lit, can they shine their light.

And I think, isn’t that so with us.

linked up to:

Faith Filled Friday

Fellowship Friday TGIF Friendship Friday

(12)

A Few Things That Are Happening

By sglidden · (5)

I’m suffering from a bit of writers block. And I just went through my whole drafts folder and didn’t like anything in it. So I figure I’ll just share a little bit of what’s going on in our neck of the woods these days, in case you’re interested. All of these, I assume, are contributing to my writers block.

1. I have a daughter getting married soon. Did I tell you that?

May 27th is the date.

It’s an exciting, busy time and this momma bird is having a bit of a hard time with one of her babies leaving the nest. This month involves final plans, bridal showers, and spending as much time with my girl as possible. I think I’ll go sleep in her bed that last few nights so I can be as close to her as possible. *sniff, sniff*

2. Scott has lost another whopping 10 pounds.

This leaves me speechless. I feel like it’s my fault, even though I know it isn’t. Muscle wasting causes weight loss, I know this. But I’m in charge of his food. He’s been at a stable weight for months now, it’s hard to see that sudden loss. Sad smile

3. My middle daughter is in a play

It’s opening this week and that means a flurry of activity is going on. I cant wait to see her in this show. Her costume is awesome, and well, so is she. At least I think so!

4. My youngest son is obsessed with Paracord.

He’s making bracelets to sell and is convinced he is going to make a fortune. I think something is up with his hormones too, like puberty. Cause he’s had mood swings the size of Texas. I didn’t think I’d have to do this with a boy.

5. I am working on getting my craft business going.

I’ve been doing a lot of sewing and have had tons of fun. I’ll be listing stuff on Ebay and sharing on my Facebook page and eventually through my web page. It is called The Nested Needle .Will you join in the fun and like my facebook page? I am hoping that this little venture will bring in enough money on the side to supplement my income so I can be home more.

6. May Is ALS Awareness Month

They say ALS isn’t incurable, it’s underfunded. Raising awareness hopefully changes that. Each day on my personal Facebook page, I’m doing my part by sharing how ALS affects our lives. I think people are learning a lot they didn’t know about this awful disease. I hope it helps raise awareness so that we can someday find a cure . I hope when they find a cure, it’s not too late.

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So just a few random happenings in the Glidden household. What’s going on in yours?

(5)

Brave, Not So Much: A Five Minute Friday Post

By sglidden · (6)

It’s Five Minute Friday. Today’s word is Brave.

Go.

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“I don’t know how you do it…..”

“I couldn’t do it…..”

“You are such a strong person…..”

I hear this all the time when I tell people I am my husband’s full time caregiver. It’s funny how others think I’m so courageous, so brave, to walk this journey of terminal illness.

The thing is, I’m not brave or courageous at all. I didn’t choose this battle. If I had any choice at all, I never would have felt I was strong enough to go through this.

My husband just said to me yesterday “I never thought that my wife would have to help me to the bathroom someday.” It’s weird, being in the prime of our lives yet doing the things that people in their 80’s do when I’m not even 40 years old yet myself.

To be brave is to “endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear”. Truth is, I’m afraid. Very afraid. Seeing my husband become paralyzed and struggle to breathe is scary. And I’m scared.

To be brave is to “ready to face and endure danger or pain”. I don’t feel ready or prepared for this. I feel ill equipped, inadequate, and ill prepared.

What you see is a girl that has been thrown into a battle she has no choice but to fight.

Not bravery.

Not courage.

Resilience maybe. Persistence maybe.

But no matter how afraid I am, no matter how scary it is, no matter how many times I wake up at night in a sweat wishing this was all a bad dream, this is where I am supposed to be. Here, and nowhere else.

And heart pounding, fear racing, and anxiety rising, I will fight. Even if it’s destined to be a losing battle on this side of heaven.

****stop

(6)

My Husband Feels Useless, And Other Things That ALS Does To A Man

By sglidden · (14)

I don’t think he’s useless. But he thinks he is.

We had a phone call the other day from someone who hadn’t seen him in a while. The caller asked “So what exactly is wrong with him?”. I don’t know how, or if I even should, answer that question. He’s sitting right there and the caller is on speaker phone, and I can’t bring myself to go over the list of things he can no longer do while he listens along. It’s too cruel.

He tells me all the time he feels useless, and I tell him that’s nonsense. I tell him he needs to focus on the things he can do, not can’t do. But we each silently know that the list of can’t-do is so much longer than the list of can-do’s. And ALS, it takes even the small can-do’s away and he knows it and I know it, but I don’t know how to convince him that he isn’t useless.

I do understand the feeling of uselessness though, because even though I’m not the one slowly being paralyzed, there is so much in my life this has affected. So much that has rendered me useless too. I am a mediocre homeschooler, I barely cook, I can’t help with any ministry, and attending church is becoming a thing of the past with each Sunday I miss. My mothering nerves are short and my exhaustion is high and my patience is low. And no matter what I say, I can’t convince him that he isn’t useless.

And we know that when we are weak, He is strong. We know that when we feel useless is when God can best use us. It’s easy to say those things when you are being used well by God. But when you are truly rendered useless? It’s hard to see life swirl around and continue on and not feel a pain from being on the outside looking in at so much being done and nothing you can do. It’s our season of silence, of quiet, of allowing ourselves to be ministered to, and it’s not easy, this sitting still and letting God. It’s not easy at all.

But if rendering us useless is making us useful, then isn’t that what this Christian life is all about? Isn’t that the songs we sing in church, the words we read about in our Bibles, the things we pray about when we cry out to God to be made more like Christ, to be more like Him? Have you ever lifted your arms and belted out “I Surrender All” and “Take My Life” and all those other tunes that ask Him to make you useless?

Yeah, we have too.

I guess we thought when God was going to answer those prayers to make us useless so we could be used by Him, it would be a whole lot prettier than this. A whole lot more glory filled. A lot less painful and a lot more comfortable. We thought Scott would always be able to lift his hands in praise, to stand in worship and kneel in prayer, to speak more prayers and sing more songs.

Oh, how we thought surrendering all would, somehow,still, be all about us.

linked up to:

How Facebook And Twitter Make Me A Better Friend

By sglidden · (29)

Five Minute Friday. The word is friend.

Go.

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I chuckle a bit when I hear people say how they dislike Facebook, or Twitter (yet they are on both, I don’t understand that?), because I love both social media outlets. Oh sure, I become frustrated sometimes with the things that are posted and there are times I feel the need to pull away and even delete my accounts. But for the most part, I love them both and use them daily.

Why?

You see, I am an introvert by nature.

And social media is perfect for me.

If you know anything about introverts, you know that fellowship and conversation, while enjoyable, are draining on this personality type.

You see, I hate talking on the phone.

I don’t like big groups and am not much into crowds.

I’m exhausted from constantly being needed as a caregiver, mom, nurse and so on.

Sending a tweet, a status, a text is perfect for a girl like me. Perfect.

I don’t have it in me to be much of a friend these days. Or much of a friend that requires spilly heart conversations on the phone and having a girls night out kind of thing. I still want to be a friend, and I treasure the friends in my life dearly. I just don’t know how to always balance that with the other important things I need to refresh my spirit. Like stare out the window or sit on my deck in solitude, get lost in good book or create something in my craft room. You know, those kinds of things done in quiet.

But I still crave time in the outside world. Just in smaller, measured doses.

Social media lets me have that time and when I’m done, I’m done.

It’s so much easier to say goodbye through a screen than it is in person, don’t you agree? I can chat with my friends at various times in a day, send a message to them just to say “Hi, I’m thinking of you” and yes, even plan the occasional coffee date easily when I do have the opportunity to get out of the house. I can let them know I care and go back to window staring fairly easily. Both refresh my soul.

Some say all this screen time ruins relationships, and perhaps in cases it does. But for me, it has made me a much better friend.

What do you think?

{oh and if you want to be my Facebook or Twitter buddy that I can say hi to every now and then, I’d love to have you You can find me here on Facebook, or here on Twitter. Introverts, unite!}

(29)

Bridges, Troubled Waters, And Remember This When The Storm Rages On

By sglidden · (16)

I live in an area where many of the prettiest covered bridges are located. The bridges are a main tourist attraction, with pictures snapping of people happily posing on the historic landmarks. These bridges flow over water that sometimes is peaceful and calm, and other times the river swells and rages beneath them. My heart was heavy when I drove over one of them on my way home last night, and I remembered the famous Simon and Garfunkel song.

When you’re weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all

{source}

I’ve been accused at times of being too positive about this whole terminal illness thing. I’ve been told I’m in denial as well. Perhaps both of those things are true. My walk through this valley ebbs and flows. The terrain changes, and sometimes, it’s not so tough getting by. And sometimes….

Sometimes there are those dark, dark times. Those times when tears are forever at the corner of my eyes ready to pour out, when getting out of bed physically hurts, and when my only thought for the day is when I can climb back in that bed again and forget about it all.

When you’re down and out
When you’re on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you

I am grieving. I am grieving the loss of a life I once had, the future of a life I don’t know, the loss of a partner, a team mate. The loss of so many things. And it comes on like rushing water. Sometimes, I feel like things aren’t so bad. And other times, the water comes crashing too fast and too hard and the night seems darker than usual.

I’ll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

And though I know that no one truly knows how it is to walk in my shoes and understand this journey, that’s ok. I don’t expect anyone to. I now know to be gentle with myself, and others. And to hang on to the hand of Jesus, my bridge over troubled water.

I’m on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

I want you to know, there is a sweetness in these times as well. A comforting, tender portion of His love I feel poured out and though it only eases the pain from wound at first, slowly it heals a little at a time. How people get through these times without the balm of His love, I will never know. But for me, He is my friend who is here, taking my pain and taking my tears and whispering “It’s ok, it’s ok”.

If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

Do you know this Jesus? The One who comes and dries your tears and heals your broken heart and comforts your aching soul? It’s beauty from the ashes, His love and tender mercy. It’s a Jesus, that until this valley came, I didn’t know either.

And while the rut is deep and dark and hurts so much, having Him here closer than ever, is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

My bridge over troubled water. I know He will lay it all down for me, to pull me up and out. Every time I stumble it’s like a 911 to heaven and here He comes, urgent and ready to take my broken and make it whole again.

I hope you know He will for you too, whatever rut or valley you fall in. I really, really hope you know that.

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 14:3

Sharing at:

Be Inspired, Imperfect Prose, and

Thoughtful Thursdays

(16)

A Little Boy Growing Up With A Sick Daddy

By sglidden · (16)

Our son is 11, and he eats. A lot. And often.

He eats and eats like the Hungry Caterpillar in the book by Eric Carle. I tell myself like a caterpillar in a cocoon, this boy of mine is blossoming into a young man with all that food. I need something to hang on to as my grocery bill climbs dollar for dollar with the number of days that make up his age.

He’s also into all things survival. He loves to get a fire going with his flint and steel that came with his Bear Grylls survival kit. In our little fire pit out back, he’s been known to get a rip roaring fire going in no time. Which of course, results in a night of S’mores and hot dogs on a stick (and no dishes for mom!). I’m finding that raising a growing boy means that all things eventually rotate back to food. It’s a neat little circle.

He’s a little boy who also misses his daddy. The hole in my sons heart for a daddy to throw him a ball and take him fishing and hang with him while chopping wood grows a little bigger everyday.

His daddy tries to do what he can, and one day that meant sitting by the rip roaring fire our son built. As the night grew cooler, it was time to head into the house. On the way in on unsteady ground with weakening legs, daddy took a bad fall. And our son stood by and helplessly watched the whole thing. What’s a momma, a wife to do, when my two favorite men lay there not only hurting on the outside, but on the inside too?

After things settled and ice packs and band aids and reassurances were spoken, my son decided he wanted to make his daddy a ramp to go up and down the stairs so he would never fall outside again.

So we got some help and built a ramp.

My son was as proud as a peacock while building. He wanted to order a large sub for lunch, because “I’m doing man’s work today” he said. There it is, I think, that blossoming.

But more than that, I was seeing his little boy heart heal and grow stronger because he was doing this thing to help his dad, and it mattered and was important, and he was no longer standing by helplessly watching. He was doing something, and it meant everything. He was doing man’s work.

“Is that all you do is eat?” I teased him as he stood in front of the open fridge scouring for food.

“That’s not all I do” he replied. “I also build wheelchair ramps for my dad”. He was as proud as a little boy could be.

Man’s work, I tell myself.

And my momma heart beams with pride and breaks with pain all at the same time. Because it’s just not right, this whole thing with my boy and his daddy and wheelchair ramps and terminal illness and disease that takes away so much of my little boy’s childhood.

But I pray that he would always seek to do man’s work. Because this world needs a few good men who aren’t afraid to grow up and do the hard things, even when it hurts.

Don’t you agree?

Linked up to:

Soli Deo Gloria

Just Write

(16)

A Love Story Part 7: It’s a Girl!

By sglidden · (5)

Remember I told you I was young and immature? Here’s an example of just that:

Scott worked these twelve hour shifts and I would get lonely and scared at night while he was gone. So every once in a while, I’d call him at work and tell him I was going into labor and he would come home early. Oops, false alarm, I would say and bat my eyelashes.

I was a genius in those days.

But one day, I really did go into labor and it was time to drive to the hospital. It was January and it was snowing. That made the ride in a little bit smoother.

We made it and for 24 brutal hours my resolve not to take any pain medicine no matter what was greatly tried. I cried for my mommy to make the pain go away. I told my fiancé I hated him a few times. And I told the doctor that if she touched me there one more time I was going to refuse to have this baby and I was going home. She must have thought I was so cute. She was the same doctor that told me to lay off the peanut butter toast a few months before, so we already had a great relationship. Thankfully her shift was over halfway through.

I pushed when they said and a baby was born. Actually it wasn’t that easy, I broke every single blood vessel in my face and it took weeks to look normal again. But we had a beautiful healthy little girl, and immediately we saw she had dimples in her cheeks, just like me!

A proud daddy holding his baby girl!

We were completely, totally head over heels in love with this bundle of cuteness. I put a bonnet on her head and changed her clothes 100 times a day because I could.

They sent us home with this baby, and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. I gave her a bath with baby oil in it and almost drowned her. I couldn’t get her to eat, and she cried a lot. But oh we loved her so much.

We would fight over who would get to her first in the morning to change her diaper. She peed on her father every single morning. We went out to breakfast every Sunday. I got back into my jeans 5 months later. Things were really good, even if they were hard.

We were a family and I loved being a mommy. I promised her I would be perfect at it. When my maternity leave was over, I snuck in a phone call to tell them I wasn’t coming back. No one was going to take care of this baby but me. I didn’t care if we could pay the bills or not (which we couldn’t).

She was beautiful and perfect. And life carried on. Now we had a wedding to plan.

(5)

Learning To Be Still

By sglidden · (26)

“I had decided, come what may, I would not bankrupt my family chasing a cure. I would not clamor to be part of a clinical trial, only to receive a placebo. I would not doctor-hunt or go Google crazy, searching for someone to give me false hope.” Susann Spencer-Wendel , Until I Say Goodbye

Unlike Susan, we resolved to do whatever it took to find a way to slow down this disease. I have spent almost 3 years making myself crazy for a cure.

I have always been determined (stubborn Scott would say), and found if I worked hard enough, learned enough, persevered and pushed, I’d eventually get what I wanted. I could never live with myself if I didn’t know I did everything, everything, I could to save my husband.

I have chased home remedies, naturopaths, clinical trials, vitamins, supplements, and then repeated that all over again a couple of times. I’ve read books, Googled, emailed, Facebooked and Twittered. I’ve prayed and begged and bartered with God.

Yet ALS rages on. One day when he hopped off the scale another 5 pounds lighter, I took a seat at our kitchen table and cried. “Honey”, he said “You aren’t going to be able to save me. You need to stop killing yourself trying”.

I knew he was right, but I couldn’t fathom just sitting back and letting this win. But after 3 years, I realize I have no choice. It’s time to accept the truth. In 80 years there has not been a cure or a remedy for this disease, and Stephanie Glidden isn’t going to find one.

We had a clinic appointment in January and Scott made decisions I didn’t like. He refused tests and equipment, and finally he refused to prolong his breathing by getting a ventilator. I went slightly ballistic, even though I knew this was his decision all along. I wanted the doctor to talk him into it, to make him take the breathing test, to talk some sense into this man. I was loud and obnoxious.

And I was ignored.

It’s his right, they tell me, to do this his own way. But his way isn’t my way, and I don’t like that one bit. I didn’t talk to him the whole 2 hour ride home and when we got home, I went in the bathroom and cried. I was angry and mad and hurt and sad. But I didn’t change anything with my rant. Scott didn’t waver in his decisions and gave me my space to work all this out in my own head. Like many things in this journey, I thought that getting here, to this final mile, would be a lot easier because I would be ready. I am learning I will never, ever be ready for what this disease does. Ever.

Hospice comes in a few times a week now, and while they listen to me and my ideas, they ultimately turn to Scott and ask him what he wants. If he says no, even to a band aid, it’s no. They too, won’t reason or bargain with him on anything. No is no.

So I find myself here, trying to quietly support him like I said I would, and at the same time quiet the scream in my heart that wants to keep trying, keep fighting, and look for that one more thing that could work.

Being still is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But slowly, I am learning there is a lot of peace on this side of the fence as well. I just haven’t discovered how to fully walk in it yet.

But by His grace, I am getting there.

How have you learned to be still in your life?

Linked up to:

Solo Deo Gloria, Just Write, Unite

and Faithful Homeschool

(26)

Fit Friday: My Journey To Wellness

By sglidden · (1)

If you follow me on my Facebook page, you probably have noticed that I have started a fitness and healthy eating program recently. I had a few people ask why, at a time when my life is the craziest, and emotions are running the highest, would I add exercising to my already crazy long to do list?

Well there are a lot of reasons.

I am an emotional eater. You can probably figure how that plays out, considering what is going on my life day to day, huh? Yeah, after Scott was diagnosed with ALS, I gained 25lbs, In 8 months.

A sweet friend I went to High School with became a personal trainer and her and I would chat about losing weight and getting healthy. She had made the journey through losing weight and it inspired me. She kept gently encouraging me to take care of myself too. She never gave up, even though I piled on very valid excuses. I knew she was right, but my biggest hurdle was: how can I get fit and workout my muscles when my husband has a disease that is taking his muscles away? It seemed almost mean.

But it turns out, that is exactly WHY I need to start taking control of my health.

I need to have energy that exercise and eating right provides. I need to have strength physically to be a good caregiver. I want my children to have an example of not letting life run you over, but taking charge and taking care of yourself matters. And I believe my kids are getting shortchanged in life. They deserve at least one healthy parent, and it’s in my power to be that one.

I talked to my husband a lot about it. I didn’t want him to feel bad. I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea of why I was doing this. And being the awesome guy he is, he said “you need to do this for both of us”. And he encourages me every. single. day. He’s amazing. I don’t know if I could be the person he is through this. Really.

I also have another reason. For years, I have dodged the camera like it was a lead bullet. I hate pictures being taking of me. I always look at them and think “see that double chin, I look so fat….”. I shouldn’t say those things but the thing was, they were true.

My daughter is getting married in May, and for one of the biggest days in her life, I wanted to confidently stand in those pictures next to her and smile big. I want to look at those pictures for years to come and not shirk away in disgust at how I looked. I want the moment- her wedding day- to be the center of it all, not me worried about how fat I’ll look in all those pictures.

Those were my reasons for starting out, but in the process I have learned so much more. It’s amazing how exercise and healthy eating can affect so many parts of your life.

I want to share what I’m learning with you. So welcome to “Fit Fridays”. On Fridays, I’ll be telling you the things I’m learning and share my progress. I hope you join me!