I always wrote Scott letters and cards. I think it drove him crazy a bit because he hated to read, and me, well I was long winded. I’ve always expressed myself better in writing than I did talking, so I wrote.
At his memorial service, I wanted to write him one last letter.
My best friend from high school read it for me. I didn’t know she had a fear of public speaking when I asked her to do it. Poor girl broke out in hives, but she still did it for me. I’m blessed with such great friends.
I know many of my friends here were not able to attend the service due to distance, so I wanted to share some of it with you. Today, I want to share the letter that was read to him when we gathered to say goodbye. I hope that it helps you to see how much I loved and cherished this man, and how truly amazing he was to me.
To my sweet husband,
Today is the day I say our final goodbyes, and I’m not really sure how to do that.
You have been with me half of my life. You are my half to my whole. And now I’m broken in two, trying to learn how to live this life we created together without you here.
I ache all over from missing you. It isn’t just my heart that hurts, my whole body hurts. I’ve never faced anything hard in this life without you here to get me through it. I’m scared to do this, but I know I have to be strong for you because you showed me what true strength really is.
Remember all those things we planned to do “someday”? We were parents so young, and while we loved every minute of it, we often would talk about those days when it would just be you and I. We were going to buy a yellow 1969 Ford Mustang to ride around in. Yellow was my favorite color, and 1969 was your birth year. Remember that? We were going to learn photography together and take pictures of this beautiful area we lived in. We were going to take cooking classes and have fun wine tasting. We were going to hike every weekend. When we found out you were sick, we talked about all our dreams. You wanted me to continue on to do them all without you, but my sweet love I don‘t know if I can. Maybe someday I will. I just know that right now, this world does not seem as beautiful, as bright, as safe or as fun since you are gone.
My nights are the hardest. Going to bed without you hurts so much. For 20 years we have been in the same bed, and being without you is the worst loneliness I have ever felt. When I wake up in the morning, I remember that you are gone and my broken heart breaks all over again.
I know you are heaven now, and your suffering is over. I try so hard to take comfort in that, but it doesn’t make me miss you any less. I have tried to go out into the world again and do normal things, but everything about you is weaved into my days and as it has always been, our hearts are never far from each other. I can’t seem to do more than one or two things and I need to come back home. It doesn’t seem fair that life moves on sometimes.
You, my love, have shown me what true strength is. While you were becoming weaker on the outside, I watched you become stronger on the inside. You inspired me and our children and so many people. You handle this horrible disease so gracefully, You never complained. You never had a pity party. You were always more worried about what this disease was doing to us rather than what it was doing to you, and you worried if we would be ok.
I’m not ok sweetheart. I miss you more than I can even express. But because of the example you have shown me, I know how to put one foot in front of the other even when it seems impossible. I know how to be strong when I feel so weak. I know how to love with abandon and to cherish every day. You taught me so much.
I haven’t figured out how to say goodbye to you yet, and I‘m not sure I ever will. I still look for you in your chair, I still go to ask you a question or stop to give you a hug and am still shocked you are not there. Even though for 4 years I knew you were leaving me, I still wasn’t ready.
The day you left, part of me left too. I don’t know how to live without you yet, but I know I must go on because that is what you would want me to do. I will forever miss your smile, your laugh, and your silly jokes. You made my days full of fun and laughter.
It was a sweet love, and I am beyond blessed to have loved you. We were given a rare and precious gift of true love, and I am so thankful for that. I know you are sitting by a waterfall, swimming and running and dancing free from ALS. I can’t wait to join you someday and see your broken body whole again and get a great big hug.
I am so blessed that out of all the people in this world you could have loved, you loved me. Thank you for choosing me. You have made me who I am today and I am a better person because of you.
I’ll see you again, my love. And until then, I’ll be missing you.
Your loving wife.