Walking Through The Valley 2012 May | Walking Through The Valley

Archive for May 2012

Why Not THAT Prayer God?

By Stephanie Glidden · (8)

We didn’t even get a chance to pray about it yet, and it was provided. This keeps happening. One thing after another.

You see, Scott’s legs are getting weaker. It’s just starting to happen, but we know that once his arms started to get weak within 6 months they progressed rapidly. We know we need to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Within a week, God has provided a wheelchair (top of the line one at that!), a trailer for the chair, a ramp, and a stair lift. Thousands of dollars of equipment.

We were still absorbing what was happening, we didn’t even get a chance to pray about it yet. And already, He provided.

And I am so thankful for that.

But I found myself asking, “God, why would answer a need we haven’t even asked for yet, but you haven’t answered our prayer for a healing?”

Why this need and not THAT one?

Why answer a prayer we haven’t even prayed yet, and ignore one we so fervently ask everyday?

Matthew 6:25-34 was brought to mind. In these verses, we are reminded us not to worry about having enough. Enough to eat, enough to wear. He promises to provide those things for us.

In The Message, verses 33-34 are translated like this:

If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

Relax. Don’t be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. Wow.

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Today the God reality is He shows us He is here continually.

The God initiative has been taken.

God’s provisions are abundant.

Why this prayer, and not that prayer? I don’t know. But for today, my everyday human concerns have been met. Just like He said they would be.

And that’s enough for me .

This post is linked up here:

(8)

Dealing With My Guilt

By Stephanie Glidden · (16)

My husband and I this past weekend

Remember when I told you we started Family Counseling a couple of weeks ago? Well, I found a gem of a woman who is willing to help us navigate through this maze of terminal illness. She is meeting with each of us individually then we will meet as a family if we want. So being the mom, I went first. I was pretty sure after the first visit she would say “I’m sorry but you’re hopeless”. But she didn’t! And she didn’t get all like, weird on me either. I was worried about that.

I walked in her room for my first appointment, and I saw a box of tissues on the floor by the chair and I thought “Oh boy….” I really hate crying and I really didn’t want her to bring me to places that make me cry.

We met for an hour and throughout the appointment, I never cried, really. I got a bit emotional but she didn’t pull up a chair and say “So, you’re husband is dying, how does that make you feel?”

I was so glad she didn’t do that. Because there was definitely not enough tissues in the box to handle that question.

Instead she had me just share what was on my mind that moment. That was an easy question: Guilt.

I am always feeling guilty. I need to be in two places at once all the time. I can’t be the wife I want to be anymore. I can’t be the mother I want to be anymore. I can’t even be the Christian I want to be anymore.

When I am being a mom, I feel guilty about not taking care of Scott. When I take care of Scott, I am guilty about not doing Mom stuff. And when I tried to straighten it all out with the Bible, I end up feeling like I should be able to do all this with a smile and a happy heart, because God gives me strength to do all things. So I end up feeling like I can’t even be the Christian I want to be.

I feel like one of those wind up toys that you put in a box, wind up tight and it moves around in circles. If it hits a wall, it goes in the other direction until it hits another wall and changes directions again. That’s me. All. Day. Long

She helped me. A lot. She helped me let go of that guilt and put it in it’s place. And she didn’t even make me draw a picture of it and throw darts at it like I thought counselors do. Don’t they do those kinds of things?

Instead it was like a woman to woman chat where she wasn’t afraid of my feelings, no matter how raw they were. And she told me I shouldn’t feel guilty because in reality, I can’t do everything like I want to and I need to let it go and just do the best at what I am doing in that moment. I think I just really needed someone to tell me that.

I want to be the best I can be at everything I do. I don’t want to fail anyone. My husband, my kids, my God. I really feel like I am getting one shot, now, to finish up all this chapter in my life. My life has been put on a timeline that is much shorter than I planned. I can hear the clock ticking. And it’s make me a little crazy inside.

And honestly, I felt really guilty that I couldn’t just go to God and get this all fixed up. That’s why I’ve put off counseling for over a year when I knew we all needed it. I didn’t want to go because it felt like saying God wasn’t enough. I felt like being a Christian for 13 years, I should be able to figure this out.

I’m still working on that one. I feel like maybe I should have something all spiritual and insightful to say about it. But I don’t .

And I’m not going to feel guilty about that. Because I am so over it.

Linked up to: Life Unmasked,

Allume and Women Living Well

(16)

Man, I Feel Like A Woman

By Stephanie Glidden · (8)

I am feeling very accomplished today.

Why? I am glad you asked.

Well, as my husbands illness has progressed, I have learned how to do a variety of “man” jobs around the house. Like fixing the washing machine, putting oil in my car (all by myself!), plunging toilets, killing spiders, raking poo, trimming hedges,changing tires, running tractors, doing laundry.

Oh wait, laundry wasn’t on his honey do list. Ahem

I’ve also had to learn to be my son’s playmate. Well, we’ve always played together. But now he needs me in a different way. Not to play with him like a girl, but to be more like a boy. More like his dad used to. So I have had to learn things like how to shoot a Nerf gun, dig worms, throw and catch a football, race scooters and play a competitive game of basketball. You know those kinds of things.

You tough moms out there are probably rolling your eyes at me, aren’t you? I’m not a princess by any means, but there are just some things that are better done by my husband. We had these jobs divided up quite nicely. But now I am finding myself having to step into his role more and more. I know, it’s sad. It really is. But in a lot of ways, it has really grown me as a person.

I try to keep my kids lives somewhat normal. With the girls, it’s been easier. We’ve always had plenty of girl things to keep us busy while the boys did, well, boy stuff. But with my son, it’s been a little harder. He used to be happy when I read him a story and played board games. He misses his dad, the rough and tumble play that only a father can do. So I’ve tried to step it up and become kind of like both parents to him. I’ve done pretty well, have only suffered a few cuts, scrapes and bruises along the way.

Anyway, one of those things they loved to do together is fish.

I was really hoping to skip this one. We’ve tried a few times without much success. I know nothing, absolutely nothing, about this. We haven’t caught any fish, I’m sure due to my lack of expertise. I think my little guy kind of gave up fishing with mom because he hasn’t asked me to take him a long time.

Today I was driving home from errands, I saw some guys out fishing. And I felt bad. My son deserves to be out fishing too.

So I went home and told him to pack his stuff, we were going fishing. He was so excited he almost tripped down the front stairs getting to the car.

Off we went. At the lake, he cast his pole a few times. And then, nibble, nibble, it happened.

We caught one!

Look at that smile, worth it all!

And wow, I need some sleep!

I believe I can officially add fisherwoman to my list of things I’ve conquered.

Even if I screamed when he put it on the dock (that thing was flopping everywhere!).

Even if we needed to ask some men there to help get the hook out cause I had no clue (and I was not, I repeat, NOT touching that thing!).

We did it!

He announced that this is the best day of his entire life. That’s 10 years of competition I just beat.

So yeah, I feel pretty accomplished right now.

I’d say manly , but that’s just wrong. I fish with my earrings on and my nails painted.

But we caught one. Oh yeah.

I’m linked up to:

The Mob Society, One Beautiful Thing, Life In Bloom

(8)

Not So Funny

By Stephanie Glidden · (11)

They come in and put a little mask on my face. “Breathe deep” he said.

“Can you feel anything?”

“What am I supposed to feel?” I asked.

“You should feel very relaxed. Like you could care less what is happening around you or to you.”

That sounded like heaven. It’s been a long time since I felt like that. Even if it only lasted for a few minutes, I’d take it.

I inhaled and exhaled deep breaths. I waited for the feeling to come.

Every few minutes, they checked on me.

I never felt that feeling.

They gave up after 30 minutes. I started to pray real hard.

I was scared that they would start to remove my tooth, and it would hurt and I wouldn’t be able to tell them because of this stuff.

I was scared that things were going to happen to me, but I would be powerless to stop them. I’d try to scream “Stop!” but it wouldn’t stop. It would just keep happening.

Because that is pretty much how I feel everyday since ALS entered our lives. And no amount of laughing gas is going to cure that. I beg God to stop it everyday. Yet he hasn’t. So I take off the mask of fear and I face what is coming my way.

And it’s scary, and it’s hard, and it’s awful. But I get through it.

Day after day I survive. We survive. Things that seem impossible to face, yet we face them.

I don’t have laughing gas to get me through my days. But I do have Jesus. And from my experience, counting on Him works a whole lot better than some drug in a can.

“Breathe deep” He says.

“Can you feel anything?”

“Yes” I answer.

Rest, sweet, rest.

(11)

He Loves Me

By Stephanie Glidden · (6)

I wanted this flower in my bouquet. Money was tight, so we could only afford one.

Which was ok with me, because it made a statement. I loved my wedding bouquet more than my wedding gown.

I didn’t think he would even remember my one gorgeous flower in my bouquet. He isn’t the kind of guy who notices those things. I never expected him to.

We had a hard week. I had a hard week.

Emotions running strong, words that we can’t take back. The stress of this disease gets the better of us some days.

My husband. He sees me struggle. He sees me hurt. He can’t fix it, even though he wants to.

He can only love me through it. And I love him for it.

This was on my doorstep the other day.

A whole bouquet of them.

Ordered by a man with crippled hands but a whole heart.

They smell amazing. Like the sweet scent of our many years together. A full bouquet for an empty soul.

I am so blessed that he loves me.

I’m linked up here and here.

(6)

Crazy Lady

By Stephanie Glidden · (10)

feature photo

Today I am meeting with a family counselor. Because folks, things are getting rough around here. ALS is the devil in disease form, because it does exactly what the Bible says HE does: robs, steals, kills and destroys. And not just to the person with the disease, but to everyone around it.

So I spent an hour doing my hair and makeup before my appointment, because I am totally ready to get real with this lady. (insert sarcasm here).

Years ago I worked in a doctors office, and in each patients chart there was something like a mini write up of the patient.

“Jane is an overweight, cheerful woman who has 3 children and a loving husband…….”

“Kathy is a single mom with 2 young children……”

I want my mini write up to be good. Something like: “Stephanie is a classy lady who looks much younger than her 37 years…….” That would be a good start.

Wish me well friends.

Have you ever thought of what your doctor puts on your little medical chart?

I bet you do now. Winking smile

(10)

Where Motherhood and Terminal Illness Collide

My Mother’s Day Flowers

Saturday night, I went to bed with a heavy heart.

And I awoke with tears in my eyes.

It was Mother’s Day. And I would much rather have stayed in bed than get up. But my kids, especially my son, had been bursting at the seams for days to give me my gifts.

Gifts I feel like I don’t deserve.

I haven’t felt like much of a mom in a long time. At least not the mom I want to be. Or used to be. I’m learning to give myself grace and let go of guilt, but I still grieve over what is lost and what will never be.

It is not lost on me that there is a truth about about motherhood: time is short. And you only get one shot.

I can’t put motherhood on hold, deal with ALS, and come back and start again. I can’t put caring for my husband on hold so I can finish raising my kids and then come back and deal with ALS. It doesn’t work like that. I have to do both, all at once. Because both of my roles are short lived and are in high demand NOW. And I don’t want to pass through either one with regrets.

But a lot of times I feel like I am failing at one or the other, because both of my roles require so much and I am often left choosing which one I am going to pour my energy into that day.

I have let go of the guilt of trying to be a super mom, I recognized long ago that I am simply a mom who is doing her best. But the grief still holds heavy in my heart as I am forced to miss many things as a mother as I care for my husband. It’s a bittersweet thing.

It’s an odd paradox. I have home schooled all 3 of my children. I never wanted them in daycare. I sacrificed a career so that I could be there for them. I have always wanted to be the mom who is involved, present, available.

My theater girl has been rehearsing for a play for about 3 months now. And I have had to be oddly absent because I cannot spare the time to be there, with all the other moms, helping and watching my daughter. And it hurts.

Mothers Day was her final show. After her show there is a potluck cast party. In dealing with my tooth pain, and caregiver duties, I hadn’t had much time to put together what I was going to bring. That is so unlike me. I finally had arranged someone to be home with my husband for a bit so I could go out mothers day shopping, and remembered. The potluck. Shoot! I went to the store and grabbed some stuff to make a 7 layer dip. Phew, I was so glad I didn’t totally forget..

Then when I got home, I re read the email and realized I totally messed up. I was supposed to bring a main dish, a side dish, and a drink. And I only made 7 layer dip.

I couldn’t believe I missed that. The old me would have been the mother that was there. Volunteering. Running concessions. Getting the potluck right.

So you see, this Mothers Day, I wasn’t feel very deserving of all the accolades that comes with such a day.

It makes me wake up with tears in my eyes. It makes me want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head.

It makes me very, very sad.

Our lives have changed so much. And I found myself wishing holidays like Mother’s Day would just go away because it only magnifies my pain. I don’t need a special day set aside to remind me because I live it everyday.

But I got out of bed to smiling faces beaming with excitement to shower me with cards and love. And a note that made me think maybe I can get through this thing after all. The tears came again, but this time it was for a different reason:

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother’s Day.

(17)

Give Yourself A Real Gift This Mother’s Day

By Stephanie Glidden · (14)

Since my husbands diagnosis, homeschooling has become a real struggle for me. My days and hours used to be filled with read alouds, projects, crafts and fun filled learning. Now with my husband needing so much of my time, I always feel torn between the two. My children and my husband. They both need so much, but there is only one of me. I haven’t figured out how to balance it all yet. But each week I make a plan, I usually fall short, but I do my best.

And I’m ok with that.

Most of the time.

Every once in a while I will run across a homeschool blog that will share what they did that week.

Then, I look over my week. The comparison trap begins.

We only read one chapter in a book.

We didn’t even get our art project in this week.

I forgot to pick up the things we needed for our Science project so we couldn’t do it.

The blinking red light screams it: FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE!

I’ve cried many tears looking at my computer screen. There is so much I have had to let go of, and sometimes I am not real sure it’s all going to be ok. I question myself. How can I keep doing this? No matter which I choose, someone is going to suffer. And the red light keeps flashing.

Today I am still recovering from severe tooth infection. Laid up in bed for a few days, I have had a lot of time to think.

While I do, my son is learning how to put some new parts on our car.

He is learning how to work on cars, and he is only 10!

My daughter has learned how to massage her dad’s crippled hands.

She has decided to go to school to be a massage therapist as a result.

My other daughter is able to participate in a play this year that would not have been possible without lots of help from friends and family.

She is learning that giving, even in small ways, can have a huge impact on someone else’s life.

My week in pictures may not be of teddy bear pancakes made from scratch, flowers diagrammed and dissected, chapter books read aloud, and famous paintings being studied.

Our week is nothing like that.

But it is still a week of learning, living and loving. And isn’t that what it’s all about anyway?

So this mothers day, I am going to give myself the gift of a green light. The green light that say’s “Go and live your life”.

The green light that says embrace this life, messy, chaotic, unchartered and unplanned as it is. It is the life God has given to ME.

I will not compare my life, my marriage, my homeschool, my home, my children to someone else’s. That breeds competition and discontent. That fuels the red light to keep flashing.

I want the green light. And that green light says “Go”.

Give yourself a real gift this Mother’s Day. The gift of grace, of embracing all you have with open arms, of being grateful you have been chosen to this life.

It’s not purchased, wrapped, packaged, and seen.

But it is the gift that is we all need a little more of. Accept it, because it is your gift too. And I want to give it and receive it this Mothers Day. Don’t you?

Let Go Of Mama Guilt

For The Mother Who Fears Failure

(14)

I Got Friends In High Places

By Stephanie Glidden · (8)

This week I have been nursing a horrible tooth infection. It has been incredibly painful and has completely thrown me off my normal routine.

Thankfully, I have great friends.

And with a very active 10 year old who doesn’t stop for much of anything, never mind a mother’s toothache, having great friends is a beautiful thing.

Friends who pick him up for the day and take him on a picnic.

Friends who have him spend the night so I can get some extra rest.

Friends who make us dinner and are especially thoughtful to make me some soup since that’s about the only thing I can tolerate right now.

Friends who send me pictures of my son having a great time.

Then I have my drama girl, who loves theater. She couldn’t do it if it wasn’t for my friends. They pick my daughter up, give her rides to and from, have her spend the night, so she can spend the week doing this :

Yep, I got friends in high places alright. They are angels sent straight from God.

I am so thankful, grateful, humbled by how much they stand by me.

Thank you my sweet friends!

This post is linked up to #onebeautifulthing. Share your one beautiful thing too!

(8)

Birds Boys And God

By Stephanie Glidden · (2)

Photo credit

Every since he was little, we’d go to the window and watch the birds at the feeder. We learned about them, one by one. How they live, what they liked to eat, their habits and markings. My little fact gatherer could tell you details of each one.

He will sit out on our deck, surrounded by my feeders, and talk to the birds. He thinks if he is very still, they will land on him. Either he is never still (very likely) or they haven’t caught on to him (unlikely!).

We had several rainy days last week, but finally the sun was shining. So he went out in the afternoon to catch up with his bird friends.

As he was whistling away, a little finch flew right into the slider window.

He hurriedly brought the injured bird to his sisters. He begged them to help him save the little bird.

But it was too late. The little bird had died.

My little boy’s heart was broken.

They held a mini funeral in the back yard.

My boy, who slams doors and thunders up stairs, tenderly placed the little bird in its grave.

My boy, who is pretends to blow up buildings and handcuff robbers, cried as he gently adjusted the little birds feathers in her grave.

My son, I wish I never had to wipe tears of sadness from his eyes.

I wish he never had to see something or someone he loves get sick or hurt.

I wish his little heart never had to break.

I wish he never had to watch anything he loves, even a little bird, go into a grave.

I wish I could protect him from all of it.

It is a reminder that even as his mother, even though I love him so much, I am limited in what I can do for him. I cannot shield him, protect him, or save him from the storms of life.

I can only lead him to the One who can.