I lay in my warm bed with the dark turning to light of the early morning, and snuggle in under the covers a little deeper. I don’t want to wake up fully to my day yet. I feel his arms tighten around me and pull me close and my heart swells with love.
In my dreamy fog, where I am almost awake to reality but still asleep in dreamland I think how nice it feels to be held by him. It’s been so long…..
I wake up with a start and look around the room, searching, seeking. He is there, the plastic mask that covers his face blowing in and out, in and out. His paralyzed arms lay there on top of the blankets, just as I placed them when he went to sleep the night before.
I lay my head back down, bewildered. It felt so real. So real. But it was just a dream.
I must have woken him with my movement, and he moves his feet towards mine. We hold feet now, not hands. It is all we have left. And I know it’s precious and sweet, but this morning, it doesn’t feel like enough.
I can’t shake my dream. My heart grows heavy in my chest and the loneliness sinks in. I miss him Lord, I whisper, and he’s right here next to me. How cruel is that?
And I think:
- How many times did he come up behind me in the kitchen and I shrugged him away because I was busy?
- How many times did I just rush through a good morning or a good bye, leaving out the hug because I was in a hurry?
- How many mornings did I spring out of bed instead of laying there a little longer in his arms because I had a to do list to check off?
- How many times did I brush him off, tell him to stop, or move away? How many moments did I miss because I was too busy, too tired, too….whatever?
I suppose we all do it, rushing through our days and missing moments that seem so small but what we learn at some point is the small stuff becomes the big stuff someday. We know it, and we hear it. We want to slow it down, but unless are reminded to often, we let those moments slip by, day after day.
I wish I could take one morning back and get and extra long hug. And that’s the thing, I am realizing. Moments can’t be taken back, they can only be embraced when they come. But the gift is,they keep coming and we always have a chance to do something with the moment right here in front of us.
Today is a new day.
How will you embrace the little big things in your life?