One thing that has been difficult for me lately has been to see normal couples together. It may be kind of silly, but I miss normal. I miss Scott heading out the door to work in the morning with his lunch cooler packed, and returning home in the evening with it empty. I miss the excitement of waiting for him to pull in the driveway. I miss his arms around me. I miss having conversations about our life, our future. The little everyday things. I miss so much.
The past couple of weeks have been perfect walking weather. The snow has melted, the birds are chirping and the bugs aren’t out yet. And I could *ahem* use a little exercise. It also so mind clearing to take a walk. I love it.
So as I am huffing and puffing along the other day, I passed a father outside raking his yard and his two little girls were riding their bikes up and down the road. They were so cute. They happily said “hi” to me as I walked by. I got to the end of the road and turned around to come back. A car was coming behind me so I moved aside to let it by. I was tired by then so I was walking a little slower. And then I saw it.
A normal family.
The car was driven by the wife and mother of the family I just walked by. She pulled in the driveway and her little girls were jumping up and down that she was home. Her husband put down his rake and walked over to the car. She got out. She was crying for some reason and when he saw she was upset, he went over to her.
He took in his arms and held her.
He kissed her and stroked her hair.
It was like the whole scene was playing out before me in slow motion.
I was struck by the intimacy of the moment. I put my head down and hurriedly walked by them.
As soon as I got out of their sight, I just lost it.
Sobbing, I cried for what I miss so much.
A normal family.
My heart broke in two. I want my husband to be well again. I want us to be able to eat dinner side by side without me having to feed him. I want him to be able to work out in our yard again. I want him to put his arms around me. I miss him reaching out to hold my hand.
I want normal!
I miss so much.
After kicking a few rocks and stomping my feet for a while, I pulled myself together. I reminded myself I still have so much. He will still be there when I got home. Someday I know I will miss much more than what I miss now. I will miss him. ALL of him. And while sometimes its easy to dwell on what we have lost, and what we continue to lose, and the things I miss, it will crush me if I let myself stay there. I have to count the blessing I have, not the things I don’t have.
I got home and there he was, sitting on the couch. Smiling as usual.
“How was your walk honey?” he asked me.
“Great” I told him.
I went to where he was sitting and helped him up.
I helped him put his arms around me.
And I forgot for a moment, all that I miss.
And I thanked God for all that I have.